I am going to be a little bit more vulnerable in this week’s blog.  I was reading part 6 of the Master Key and loving what I was reading but my within was at war.  Half of me was loving what I was learning (I love learning this kind of stuff) but the other half was spewing out negative thoughts (self-pity) I’ve tried to bury for years and years; “you are a very slow learner and you are not going to get this, it will be like all the other times,  it will just be another thing you did” “everyone else will succeed except you.” “it’s too late for you in this stage in life.”  Slowly and quietly these thoughts were oozing out.  I haven’t consciously thought about these thoughts for a long time.  I think I buried self-pity with doing and performing.  I am good at performing and I guess that’s where I got my value and significance from.  My within is definitely at war and I am fighting.  I am doing the requirements and trying to read the blueprint, my DMP, service card ad the giving card with enthusiasm every day even though I do not feel like it.  I know that the clay is slowly coming off as my unique and the best version of me is trying to come out. It’s been uncomfortable and difficult in the last few weeks but I choose to trust the MKE process and God who has my back.

I woke up this morning and did my quiet sitting for 15 minutes trying to picture my happy place.  It was difficult and I couldn’t wait until the 15 minutes were done.  Usually, 15 minutes every day is a welcome time for me but not today.  Is my old blueprint trying to come back with a vengeance?  I know that I can choose to think different things so that my emotions can align with it but today was definitely a battle.  So……I want to end this blog for now with my memory of my yesterday’s 15 minutes.  I had visualized the times when I lived in California.  In one picture, I was at the Santa Monica Pier.  I  felt the warm breeze brushing by my dewy face, the hot sun hugging my body, salty smell of the ocean, the sounds of people talking and laughing, the waves going in and out and the vastness of the blue ocean.  I really love blue, it’s a peaceful color.  I had no other thoughts except, this feels so so good.  No worries, just soaking the goodness of the moment.  Then, I remembered our old apartment on Bresse Street.  I remembered a time after church when friends gathered at our place for lunch.  I didn’t particularly remember the food, probably was Chinese food but and we were all there eating, laughing and talking about how we had experienced God loving on people through our prayers.  Those were the carefree days.  It was nice to picture myself there.  I choose to remember those good memories and those good feelings.

Wow, I am in awe of how our brain works and how powerful I am.  I actually have the power to create a new identity by modifying my behavior.  I can rewire and reconnect my brain and change things from the inside out.